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Your Horoscope by Class

majik fortune telling swami

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#1 Trigger Warning

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Posted 09 June 2017 - 06:36 AM

D Class:  Derp

 

Awful.  You are functioning at a level of retardedness that must truly tax your mother’s faith in the almighty to not seek a retroactive abortion.  You are lucky to escape the porous net of an overtaxed social services system that would certainly have you committed, where you would eventually be heavily medicated and moved to a secret government compound to be studied as a backwater evolutionary waystation between modern humanity and distant echoes of our primordial ancestors who struggled for existence armed only with instinctual reactions to environmental cues and a pointless but very real desire to survive.

 

C Class:  Crap

 

You are looking up the wrong side of the bell curve; it’s an Everest like climb for you to think about summiting at average.  Likely you will die in the attempt, frozen and alone, existing as a reminder that not everyone who dreams should dare.

 

B Class:  Blah

 

Not terrible.  You’ve reached a place where you can assign your lack of any singular achievements in any facet of your life as the admirable result of a focus on work/life balance.  It’s not fooling anyone else, but it gets you through the day.

 

A Class:  Asshole

 

You are a constant threat to break the top 10 at a local, depending on attendance.  You rest assured that people unfamiliar with USPSA who hear you are an A class shooter must think you are good, since the class labeling system bizarrely puts the highest grade letter in the middle of the actual class rankings.

 

M Class:  Meh

 

You are a walking embodiment of Ben Stoeger’s maxim that anybody who puts in enough effort can be good at shooting (or something like that).  You have won some locals and you are almost good enough to be considered match heat.  Almost.  That means not good enough. 

 

Your finest moment and key to M class glory was finding a range that let you put up classifiers that you could practice incessantly after facebook stalking matches and match directors to divine the upcoming classifiers.

 

GM Class:  Gun Masturbator

 

You’ve made it to the top.   There is nowhere dumber to go.  You are capable of winning a local match with accompanying glory similar to that achieved by being on the winning team of a pick-up basketball game in a suburban park. 

 

All it cost you was thousands of dollars on an income stream that would have Dave Ramsey punching you in the balls with a set of borrowed brass knuckles if he only knew, a major portion of your free time that could have been used to strengthen family relationships or learn marketable skills, and tendons that will now be chronically inflamed for the rest of your life, which is by the way downhill from here.


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On injured reserve.


#2 Peally

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Posted 09 June 2017 - 07:14 AM

I'm an asshole and everyone thinks I'm in the highest class. That's pretty damn accurate, bravo.



#3 Sweet T

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Posted 09 June 2017 - 08:59 AM

No love for Unclassified guys?


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#4 Part Of Me

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Posted 09 June 2017 - 12:04 PM

Trigger Warning is the doodie treasure.

Awesome



#5 Vagetarian

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Posted 09 June 2017 - 01:58 PM

Bears eat beets.


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I just man-handled that prick with my Type-A personality.
Dipshit tard duckweed goat humper.

You're all a bunch of fucking idiots and retards!


#6 peterthefish

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Posted 09 June 2017 - 02:07 PM

Bears. Beets. Battle star Galactica.
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#7 Trigger Warning

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Posted 09 June 2017 - 02:50 PM

Fuckers!
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On injured reserve.


#8 Doc

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Posted 09 June 2017 - 05:01 PM

word

more words

words made into a sentence, almost
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Unload and Show Clear...
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"Licorne" French Polynesia 1970

It pins my irony meter when people post things like "your to stupid..."

You brought a rifle to a handgun competition?

#9 CH3NO2

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Posted 09 June 2017 - 09:44 PM

And here I was excited I finally made D class
Had no idea how bad , I even called my mom to tell her I would improve and don't abort me.

I am going back to un classed cuz I am worried about division horoscope ...
NITRO
Nitromethane, nitrous oxide, nitrocellulose ....3 of my favorite things
To be sure of hitting the target , shoot 1st and call what ever u hit the target.

#10 Woodieproject

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Posted 10 June 2017 - 07:07 AM

Signs, bro, signs. Horoscopes have signs, sagittarius and shit. Not too hard to imagine Crap and Asshole and, this being the doodie, you can use anyone's avatar for Derp. Now get us the visuals for meh, blah and GM.
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Bonafide asshole

#11 Harry Palmer

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Posted 10 June 2017 - 01:10 PM

By Zodiac sign

 

Aries:

The Egotist

Shoots Open division to be at the top of the combined results. 

Usually trashes most stages by shooting beyond their abilities, occasionally wins a stage and brags about it for months.

Constantly has to argue all RO calls, requires overlays on anything within 3 inches of a perforation.  Every miss is a "perfect double", has the Match Director and Range Master on speed dial.

 

Taurus:

Taurus the Bore us

Shoots Production.

Ultra cheap, uses range brass and cheapest bullets, doesn't own a case gauge, can't figure out why gun doesn't run.

No social life or skills, so can't understand why everyone abandons any squad he signs up for on Practiscore.

 

Gemini:

Bi-polar basketcase

Shoots Limited, sometimes Limited 10 if good shooters sign up in Limited.

Constantly changing parts trying to get better, never practices. 

Talks non-stop about the best reloading combination, this powder, that bullet, never shoots the same ammo, fails chrono 30%.  Belongs to every shooting forum on the interwebs.

 

Cancer:

Drama queen

Used to shoot Production, now shoots Carry Optics.

Gun never runs, hasn't been cleaned since last match (last year), mags are never cleaned with 10 year old springs, but still can't figure out why the gun doesn't run.

Borrows parts, ammo and money frequently.  Now also has to borrow new battery for CO red dot.

 

Leo:

Pompous Ass

Shoots Open division.

A legend in his own mind who likes to run the timer or tablet to avoid resetting. 

Frequently timer fucks or tablet fucks other shooters.

 

Virgo:

The Critic

Doesn't shoot any division because OPEN is dumb, PCC  is dumb, CO is dumb, etc...

Values constructive criticism and brutal honesty above all else especially when dishing it out, not so much about receiving it.

 

Libra:

Unconventional

Shoots production with a Ruger P85 out of an Uncle Mike's nylon holster.

Drives old pickup truck covered in bumper stickers.  Probably on several governmental watch lists.

 

Scorpio:

Center of Attention

Shoots Open and Limited

Likes to run the tablet and 'corrects' his own scores.

Has high dollar famous name gunsmith Open gun, that never runs because it's in 9 Major fed a diet of range pickup brass, but it's the gunsmiths fault the gun doesn't run.  Ditto with the Limited gun.  He gets his .40 brass free from the local police range that all shoot Glocks.

 

Sagittarius:

The Optimist

Shoots Carry Optics division.

Recently finished 5th in division at a major match and posted heavily on social media about it.  There were 6 in CO at the match.

Has a shooting jersey with every sponsor imaginable, receives 1% discount on reloading components.

 

Capricorn:

The Victim

Frequent victim of popper fucking, or timer fucking.

Shoots PCC, is a 3GN member. 

Thinks Vince is a cool guy and is still a member of the IPSC Village forum.

 

Aquarius:

The Narcissist

Shoots Open division and 3 Gun.

Professional shooter, coach and gunsmith.

Under Federal indictment for fraud, rape and drugs.

 

Pisces:

Indecisive

Shoots every division....poorly, also shoots IDPA, and Steel Challenge.

Brings the wrong mags or ammo for the gun he picked for this match. 

Didn't shoot last weekend because there were 3 different matches and could make up his mind which to shoot.


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#12 Cheap Shot

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Posted 10 June 2017 - 08:22 PM

Cancer:

Drama queen

Used to shoot Production, now shoots Carry Optics.

Gun never runs, hasn't been cleaned since last match (last year), mags are never cleaned with 10 year old springs, but still can't figure out why the gun doesn't run.

Borrows parts, ammo and money frequently.  Now also has to borrow new battery for CO red dot.

 

Bullshit. Gun always runs.

 

Everything else is just a coincidence


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#13 JoeyBagODonuts

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Posted 11 June 2017 - 03:12 PM

Sagittarius:

The Optimist

Shoots Carry Optics division.

Recently finished 5th in division at a major match and posted heavily on social media about it.  There were 6 in CO at the match.

Has a shooting jersey with every sponsor imaginable, receives 1% discount on reloading components.

 

Bullshit, never shot CO, never finished 5th at any match - whatsoever, don't have a shooting jersey, I pay 5% for my 1% discount.


Wait, I smell more than donuts...


#14 ShootsLikeaDog

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Posted 11 June 2017 - 06:57 PM

(accurate description of USPSA classifications)

 

Proposed IDPA appendix, y/n?

 

Master: You're shooting IDPA; kill yourself.

Expert: You're shooting IDPA and you're not even top-tier at it; kill yourself.

Sharpshooter: You're shooting IDPA, but you might not be good enough with a gat to kill yourself; have a backup method.

Marksman: You're shooting IDPA, but you're definitely not good enough with a gat to kill yourself, and you probably can't figure out a backup method; have someone else do it.

Novice: You're not even shooting.  You're literally a vegetable.  Someone will be along to disconnect the ventilator shortly.

 

 

Libra:

Unconventional

Shoots production with a Ruger P85 out of an Uncle Mike's nylon holster.

Drives old pickup truck covered in bumper stickers.  Probably on several governmental watch lists.

 

The bumper stickers are on my Pelican case, thankyouVERYmuch.


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#15 Vagetarian

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Posted 11 June 2017 - 08:51 PM

Pisces Mike half the stage because they're shooting while dreaming about the win someday.

Kitten_zps66d94599.jpg
I just man-handled that prick with my Type-A personality.
Dipshit tard duckweed goat humper.

You're all a bunch of fucking idiots and retards!


#16 CH3NO2

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Posted 11 June 2017 - 09:28 PM

Wow that is scarey..
I am a libra and shoot with a P85 and uncle mikes..
My truck has the rear window covered in gun stickers...
How ever I was not aware of gov. Watch list...
NITRO
Nitromethane, nitrous oxide, nitrocellulose ....3 of my favorite things
To be sure of hitting the target , shoot 1st and call what ever u hit the target.




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